A peek into the mind of a sleep deprived software developer, husband, dad and gamer.
There it is again. That feeling of dread. Or anxiety. That feeling of a burn out that doesn’t want to go away. Like there’s a hole in my chest that I can’t fill. I can’t quite describe it. It comes when I’m not distracted. When I’m alone with my thoughts. And it lingers unless I push it out of my mind with prayer.
I was fine during my digital declutter. But as soon as it ended, it came back slowly. Whenever I think about what to write next, I get overwhelmed. And I can’t explain it. I’m making my online activities a scapegoat here, but I have no other explanation for it. The only thing that significantly changed for me this week, was me coming off my digital declutter.
And so I’m going into digital declutter mode indefinitely. I’ll probably keep posting entries to this journal. But I’m going dark on the rest of my blogs and websites. I don’t know when this new digital declutter will end. Maybe it will become my new normal. Maybe not. Either way, I once again need a break from all the stuff I do online.
Update 10/26/2020:
I know I said I'm going dark on the rest of my blogs. But I might make an exception for my music blog.
It is Jesus in fact that you seek when you dream of happiness; he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is he who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.
It's been over a month since my last music log. What with the digital declutter and all. Anyway, it's time for another one. I've got two hard hitting head-bang inducing rock songs in this music log. Both tracks deliver great messages to their listeners. Let's get started.
First up is the song “Justified” by one of my favorite bands, A Day To Remember. This song is a great reminder for all of us to stop being judgemental of other people. Especially those with a different set of beliefs than ours. If your set of beliefs or religion has you looking down at other people who believe differently, then there's something wrong there.
Just as an example, Jesus said, “Love your neighbors as yourself.” Note that He didn't say to love them only if they believe what you believe. He said to love them as you love yourself.
Anyway, I don't want to sound like I'm preaching in this music log. Here are some of the song's lyrics. This is a great rock song from start to finish.
Burn me alive
If you feel that's justified
I need more than faith
To see you on the other side, the other side
Can you hear me?
The lowly one
Do ya fear me?
You righteous ones
During my second digital declutter, I found that I had a lot more time to tinker with my websites. And so I did. Here are some of the updates I've made to this site during that time.
Blazor WASM Search App
I've got a new Search app for this journal. It is a Blazor Web Assembly app. So, basically a .NET app written in C# that runs as a client-side web application. And it loads much faster than my previous Search app hosted on Glitch. That's because it is a static site hosted on Netlify. Which means it's always up and running. There is an initial load where your browser downloads the .NET DLLs. But after that, it should load pretty quickly next time you use it.
I took away the link to get a Random post from this journal. I did so because it had a slot machine feel to it. Watching The Social Dilemma reminded me of the slot machine nature of it. But my main reason for removing it, was because it took so long to load at times. This stood in stark contrast to how fast this Write.as powered site loads. I can redo it as a Blazor Web Assembly app, but that's not a priority right now. Maybe something to tinker with in the future.
This post first appeared on my dev blog at dinobansigan.com. It was published back in 01/28/2019. I've updated the post and moved it here as it was not really a software development or tech related post.
A few days ago I heard an ad on TV that said something like, “people say less is more, but more is REALLY MORE!” Obviously, the intent of that ad is to get you to spend more money. We live in a world where people are judged by their material possessions. The narrative being, if you have more, then you are living a better life compared to everyone else around you. That is ridiculous.
So often we want more. We have been trained to think more is better. More money. More stuff. More success. But this idea of getting and doing more often gets in the way of our goals.
~ Dan Erickson
My second digital declutter officially ends tomorrow. There's a lot to unpack from this latest declutter, but that will come in time. This post is to address some changes I'm making going forward.
First — I'm tentatively setting this journal back to Public. This means my posts will once again show up on the read.write.as feed. But...
Second — I'm no longer going to check the read.write.as feed. So, if you respond to a post of mine with a post that shows up on the feed, I have no way of knowing about it. For any questions, comments or concerns, I highly suggest leaving me a message or sending me an email. There's also some more ways of reaching me listed in my Contact page.
It is unfortunate, since I was one of those who happily participated in conversations over the read.write.as feed. But for now, I'm choosing to prioritize my mental health over it. I'm doing this for my own sanity.
Note: These journal entries were written down months ago. In this one, I start to talk more about what life was/is like living in a world ravaged by the coronavirus pandemic.
Quiet Saturday. We pretty much stayed at home. Most people did anyway because of the social distancing rules in place due to the coronavirus pandemic. We are running out of paper towels though. So, eventually one of us will have to go out and buy those soon.
Since we wash hands more often nowadays, I noticed that I consume a lot of paper towels for drying my hands. Told Coney that we should buy hand towels for the restroom. At least those towels can be washed and re-used. That's something we'll have to buy this coming week.
I started playing XCOM 2 while Davin was sleeping. I was in the mission prep section of the game. It is a part of the game where the game's soundtrack sounds so good. It is so good that Davin loves to hum along. Anyway, as far as I could tell, Davin was still sleeping at that time. His eyes were closed and he didn't get up anytime recently. But it was funny that he started humming along while he was still sleeping.😄
Ever since we took my table out of the room, plus Baby Caleb's arrival at home, I have had a hard time keeping my bullet journal updated. I have taken to writing entries on my phone whenever I get a chance.
Still have been sleeping on the floor. Woke up with my hip bones hurting. One thing I have learned from sleeping on the floor the past few days, is that it is best to do so on your back. I might have to look into a floor mattress or one of those futons that the Japanese use.
I was sleeping on top of a comforter and that was it. No mattress or anything like that. While great for straightening my back, it was uncomfortable most of the time.
Coney made an appointment at a Cook Children's Urgent Care clinic. It was easy compared to Care Now. There was no need for a follow up call prior to confirming the web check-in appointment. You just had to show up at the designated time. Their website also shows the next available check-in time, which is cool.
Started watching Season 2 of Formula 1: Drive to Survive. They are at it again. What a beautifully shot show. I don't know if this is the right term for it, but the cinematography in this show is just breathtaking. This is how you film a motorsports racing documentary!
Just like last season, the behind the scenes look into Formula 1 — the teams, the drivers, the managers — it's all very compelling stuff. I don't know how they do it, but they make real life footage look like scenes from a fictional movie.
The song “Mai Tai” by Train and Skylar Grey has been stuck in my head since I heard it play in Coney's car.
Tried to watch the Infant CPR video — that we got from the hospital — on the Xbox One. It wouldn't recognize the DVD. So, we might have to watch it on a PC.
Never expected we would have a use case for a PC with a DVD drive in 2020.
Weather was pretty good, so me and Davin went on a bike ride around the neighborhood. He was pretty excited about it and was animated during the bike ride. In the past, I would usually be the only one talking during our bike rides. Now, he actively engages in a conversation with me. He points out the airplanes overhead, the birds flying around and the stray cats roaming around the neighborhood.
Davin at the playground
During our bike ride, I noticed that the neighborhood playground was empty. So, I decided to take him there. At the playground, Davin showed that he's no longer scared of slides. He quickly went up the steps and slid down. And then he did it again and again and again.
